Nick Ebdon - Advanced Hypnosis Training : An Attitude of GratitudeOne of the great things a...

Nick Ebdon - Advanced Hypnosis Training : An Attitude of Gratitude
One of the great things a...: An Attitude of Gratitude One of the great things about my job is that no two weeks are the same - the clients are different (even retur...

An Attitude of Gratitude

One of the great things about my job is that no two weeks are the same - the clients are different (even returning ones), the presenting problems are different and therefore the approach(es) used to correct the issue will vary too. It stays interesting because it gives me variety, but variety is not the only reason that I enjoy my work - I get to help people every day too. To see people transform, to see them overcome anxiety, banish a phobia, lose weight, heal emotional wounds etc. it’s incredibly rewarding. To see a person display a mixture of disbelief and elation when you help them  remove a persistent problem, or to have the privilege to facilitate that breakthrough moment that gives them the belief that life will get better - that’s plenty to be thankful for. 

So I am grateful to do what I do. It was two very contrasting clients (whom we shall discuss a little later) and the contrasting display and absence of gratitude, that gave me the inspiration to write this extra piece.

If you are lucky enough to enrol on MPG (or if you have attended you will know this already) you will discover that expressing gratitude is a key concept that I both teach in the programme and have incorporated in the book each attendee receives. It is good for you, it is a healthy attitude to have towards others and when routinely present gives people a much more constructive model of their world.

We all should express gratitude. 

Now for some the source of that gratitude may be more obvious than for others, but we can and should find reasons to be grateful nevertheless. Some people through very little effort on their part may seem to have boundless reasons to be grateful; comfort, job security, financial security, companionship, family, friends, children - some have it all, though they don’t necessarily behave like they do! Others have had to endure all kinds of hardship, cruelty, tough breaks, losses etc. but still manage to find the positives in the midst of the most trying of times and circumstances and look for reasons to be thankful.

Why is this, why are some people unable to see reasons to be grateful?

Well one of the reasons is that their existing model of the world is structured that way. Maybe they have got into the habit of negative self talk and seeing the downside rather than the potential in a person, event or situation. The things we say to ourselves have a profound effect on how we feel and indeed an eventual impact on our physical bodies too. But poor self talk is only one element that can hinder the practice of appreciation, the things we focus on, often because of our beliefs can frequently drive how we feel and the self talk we use. Finally our physiology we contribute or even dictate the emotional state we are in and the meanings we give to everything.

As a student of Tony Robbins and a trainer for the National Federation of NLP, I have understood the impact that our model of the world has on how we feel, the meanings we give to things and how it allows us or limits us from interacting with the world. Tony calls it the The Triad - physiology, focus and language create the meaning and emotion we give to everything. A person can be fundamentally good but due to experiences or modelling the wrong people, their triad is such that they cannot naturally express appreciation and gratitude when they should. This is why well intended people may not express gratitude when they should and others who seemingly have little to be grateful, show appreciation frequently. Many of us are taught at a young age and conditioned early to express gratitude; say thank you, count your blessings, think of those less fortunate, through to thanking god, saying grace etc. and others aren’t. But even if we haven’t had this advantageous start, if we can just learn to shift our focus, language and physiology and make it a daily ritual we can learn the art of gratitude.

The second reason people cannot express gratitude is that there are a small percentage of the population who's focus is so self orientated that they cannot appreciate anything others do for them in any area of their lives. This second group of individuals can be sub-categorised into two further subsets; those with extremely distorted models and triads….and arseholes.

Now I do like to find the good in people and I hope that in life (especially in my life as a coach and therapist) I generally have consistently tried to put this into practise. But I am not always the fluffiest of therapists and have come to accept that some people just aren’t as nice as others. I am not out to save everyone and am fortunate that I have some freedom in helping both those that want help and appreciate it when they get it. As I charge per session - for me and the client the fee may well be appreciation enough (though I often still get an outpouring of gratitude)! 
But I do allocate a number of hours per week in giving free sessions through a local charity to people that need a little help, or have been referred to me through them because the therapy they have been receiving elsewhere has not been successful. 

These clients are among the most grateful and appreciative, both for the little blessings they have and the fact that there are people prepared to help them. It is some of the most satisfying work and their genuine gratitude is as rewarding as any money. In turn I am grateful to be able to make a difference, to be able to help others who help people and for being in a position to be able to do so. 

But like I said, I am not always fluffy and accept that there are some people who just don’t deserve help because of a deeply ingrained contempt and ingratitude towards everyone. I never thought I would see it when working with the charity but unfortunately I did this week. 

So this brings us back to two the contrasting clients I mentioned at the start - both of which had come from the charity I work alongside.

The first was a new client, introduced by the charity and who was not getting the benefit from group counselling sessions and had reached an impasse in the work she had been doing with another therapist. She was very down on herself in the language she used, the things in which she focused on and her body language was that of a tired person. She came across as a nice person, a conscientious person, but someone who had been unaware that she had always had

a choice in changing the emotions she continually experienced throughout her life and thought had defined her. 

For our first session we simply worked on the Triad; the focus, physiology and the words and language she used to create meaning in her life. In less than an hour it was clear that our brief time had already been productive, so much so that as she began to express her gratitude she began to get emotional. We are use to seeing people cry when they feel extremely grateful (think Surprise Surprise and other such programmes that tug on our heart strings) and for this lady it was no different. It was touching and made me instantly look forward to next week and our next session together.

I know I don’t do it for the adulation or thanks from others, nor does the lady from the charity who introduced the new client and who gives ten times more than I do to others on a daily basis. But cheesy as it sounds, it is moments like this that will define my work as much as the long waiting list of clients or fifty new qualified hypnotherapists or NLPers. It also gives me many reasons to appreciate and show gratitude for my upbringing, my friends, family and relationships I have been in throughout my life. 

So it is fair to say that I was in a very good mood when this new client left, as gratitude is very contagious.

Then the second client came in. 

We had worked together before and despite the fact that attitude and entitlement were never far from the surface. Up until this last appointment I had always tried to see an underlying decency in her and had given her the benefit of doubt when she had displayed, more than anything else, sheer ingratitude. In truth the real reason why I cut her some slack was that the lady I work with from the charity believed in her. 

I was still buzzing from the previous clients happiness when she came in. She’s not one to ask you how you are or make any attempt to exchange pleasantries, but sometimes the environment can narrow a clients focus, so I wasn't unduly bothered that this session had commenced no differently to our others. What did bother me was she almost immediately began to bemoan and berate the lady from the charity who had introduced us and who for the last three to four months had gone above and beyond her remit to give support to this client. 

She sneered, gestured and complained (as she had done about other people in previous sessions) and projected total contempt by suggesting the charity - specifically this same lady who had been overseeing her case had been no help whatsoever and she was going to get rid of her!

In this line of work it becomes increasingly hard to be shocked by people, but this young woman attitude was crass and quite surprising even for me. To be fair it was the most brazen display of ingratitude I have witnessed for as long as I can remember! 

I challenged her to accept she was wrong and completely out of line. If at this juncture she had taken responsibility for being stupid and completely unfair I would have worked on why and may even had discussed the focus and language elements of the triad previously mentioned to nurture a sense of gratitude. But when she refused with a tut and a sneer I did something I have never had to do to any other client (including women and men who have propositioned me!) and told her politely to get out of my office. In the conversation leading up to her dismissal I gave her a number of opportunities to recognise the selfless input and support the charity had given her, which she adamantly refused to acknowledge, happier to criticise them even from a position of neutrality (they weren’t present). You just can’t help some people and there are some people you don’t even want to unfortunately.

So within the space of a few hours these two clients had demonstrated firstly how infectious and uplifting gratitude can be and secondly how when one exhibits it, a miasma of ingratitude can hang in the air long afterwards, tainting the mood of others if they allow it. Luckily the biggest effect this clients negative attitude had on me was to inspire me to write a piece about gratitude before the week was out! Unfortunately for many, displays of ingratitude from another can taint their whole day (though by refocusing on their own gratitude or the good manners of others this can be quickly remedied).

One of the last shifts and components of my own transformation was when I implemented a routine of recognising all the things I had to be grateful for in life and began practising thankfulness daily. Practising gratitude is an incredibly powerful way to elevate yourself physically, emotionally and where applicable, spiritually. It also can be combined with another beneficial practise - seeking out positive role models who can provide not just aspiration but an increased sensibility and appreciation of others.

As mentioned I work with clients on the importance of us all exercising an ‘attitude of gratitude’ in our daily lives with and the My Personal Growth attendees have it drummed in during class and in their MPG Journals. It is a process I personally find myself using and exploring more and more often. Though as a father of three healthy and gorgeous children and being married to someone I am luckily enough to say isn't just hot but is my best friend too, finding my source of gratitude always comes easily. So much so that when I am working at home, even Mrs. E. has come to accept that the impromptu kisses I give her throughout all the day, may not all be speculative in the biblical sense and may be just the result of me partaking in my grateful routine! 

So try this for two weeks (and beyond) and see if you experience a positive shift in your general mood:-

• At least once a day tell the people you love or are feel grateful towards for whatever reason, exactly that - if they look bemused explain!
• Every day list at least two things (other than the above) that you have felt grateful for
• Every day list at least one thing or person that has made you feel grateful for what you have
• Look for one thing that supports the notion that life is wonderful 

This should not be a big ask for anyone to do. You can use the news, something you heard on the radio, social media etc. if you struggle for examples. But by shifting your focus to looking for positives in people, moments and situations and constructive a positive language and meaning around that focus you will notice a change in your mood, your emotions and even your relationships with others.

Be grateful - its the weekend so have a lovely one!

Nick

Dave Elman - A Pioneer in Hypnotherapy

Dave Elman (1900 – 1967) instructed over ten thousand physicians, dentists and psychiatrists and in addition successfully and efficiently relieved thousands of people from their problems. He is, above all, known for his direct manner and the speed in which he helped clients achieve fast and permanent change.

As a master of both faster hypnotic inductions and highly efficient therapeutical methods, his legacy will remain that because of his proficiency in working with subjects, he has been directly responsible for many of the successes in modern hypnotherapy which were until relatively recently in the history of hypnosis, considered as impossible (and continue to be so by some areas of the helping professions).

Direct, fast methods were his Trademark.
The elementary nature of the methods and more significantly, the positive results they produced astonished observers and convinced many who were initially highly skeptical. 

Much of Elman’s genius lays in the simplicity of his methods and the hypnotic techniques he used, methods which are, compared to many other revered names in the field of hypnosis, easy to reproduce because of that same simplicity. His general being approach thus; regress to cause and resolve the initial problem. It is structured as a process and therefore easy to learn and apply.

Dave Elman was often, in a completely unfair way, overshadowed by another giant in the modern evolution of hypnotherapy - Milton Erickson. Interestingly however, Erickson is said to have stated: “I wish my students could do what Elman’s students can.” 

In any case the two approaches greatly differ from one another and as a Certified Instructor of both Elmans methods and Neuro-linguistic Programming (which modelled much of Ericsson’s work) I completely appreciate the deep level of understanding both had of the phenomenon that is hypnosis and how both schools of thought have much to learn from the other. 

Students and proponents of the Elman approach to hypnotherapy still embrace his ideology and techniques; they exude confidence, are direct, keep the approach and process simples,  and nurture a constructive hetero-hypnotic relationship with their clients. In fact his methods are still taught throughout the world by leading industry names such as Omnihypnosis (founded in 1979 by Jerry Kein - Elmans youngest and most famous student).

We owe a lot of pioneering work to Dave Elman. Most notably Elman is associated with his brilliant but simple hypnotic induction (aptly known as - the Dave Elman induction). A fantastic induction, with built in depth tests that will see the great majority of a hypnotherapists clients attain a sufficiently deep level of hypnosis immediately. But Elman represents much more.

• Elman was the first to formulate and educate on a hypnotic induction to consistently create a level of somnambulism (deep hypnosis) demonstrating a clear process with which was easy to emulate.

• Elman found a way to go into the Esdaile state and out again that worked and could be repeated.

• His works in the field of pain management are still used today and like much of his methods and techniques are amazingly simple.

• Elman also coined the phrase “Every symptom has a trigger”. He used this to developed a completely new approach to hypnotherapy - which to some appeared to be too revolutionary in comparison to traditional methods and hence initially faced criticism and rejection (his approach of regressing to cause to resolve the problem).

• Elman developed “hypno-sleep”, a state which is very appropriate to work with children.

• Elman made it possible to conduct the first heart surgery without the use of anaesthesia by using his hypnotic methodology.

• Due to Elman’s cooperation with a catholic nun who ran a delivery suite, Pope Pius enacted in 1958 the permission to use hypnosis for women in pain management during childbirth. Therefore we are also indebted to Elman for being the major influence in HypnoBirthing - one of the progressively fastest growing areas in hypnotherapy over many years.

Elman is the author of the classical book “Hypnotherapy” which although initially written in the early 1960’s is still the definitive source of information for both prospective and established hypnotherapists.

I will be giving away two copies of this groundbreaking book in the next two weeks - Subscribe to the AHT newsletter so that you don't miss your chance of winning this incredible book.

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The Importance of Commitment

I deal with an incredibly broad spectrum of people - ranging from executives and CEO's who come to me for coaching, stress management or often both, to helping someone lose weight or overcome their fear of spiders. Whoever the client and whatever their presenting issue is, there is always two things I ask of all of them; trust and commitment. 

Trust that they both trust in me and in the process and commitment that they will do their part in being successful. It may come as a surprise how many people attend a session with doubts and low expectations of success (often because hypnotherapy has been the last port of call - the last in a number of attempts to overcome the issue unfortunately) and it's my job to genuinely convince them otherwise. The reason the likes of myself and other successful therapists and coaches generally do not guarantee a clients success is because we cannot completely control the level of commitment a client is prepared to give to the process. 

Client commitment can range from simply accepting suggestions, being honest, adopting a mindset, completing a journal or exercises between sessions, to making specific lifestyle or behavioural adjustments.

If we perceive resistance or an attempt of refutation from the client in the office or therapy room we can often challenge or address it there and then and explore their reasons why.

But I also consider a lack of commitment to be a multi-faceted thing. A client may lack commitment because of one or many of the aforementioned reasons, they may lack commitment because they either personally think they know best (see above) or are dissuaded from doing what has been asked by others. Another instance may be when a client may prioritise the needs of others ahead of their own, both genuinely or as a reason not to follow through, often when a secondary gain is at play and there is an inner resistance to what is being asked of the client. 

Secondary gain is an obstacle that all therapists and coaches will encounter. Having an issue or ‘their’ issue can often fulfil a clients primary human needs and they will both consciously and subconsciously resist change if it is perceived as a challenge to that need being met. Some will dismiss change completely if they see it as a threat to an identity they have created. 

Let us explore a few of the situations where client commitment may be an issue.

Case One. A client comes to you having previously seen one or multiple counsellors and therapists. They dismiss these previous encounters as ineffective and often then give their reasons why; the therapist was no good, the setting was no good, they know whats wrong with themselves more than the therapist, the work they gave them to do was pointless, external elements interfered etc., etc. Now some of these reasons may or may not be valid and at that stage one cannot make too many assumptions, but more digging is needed to find out why.

We can ask them to expand on what they felt went wrong, what the work had entailed and so on and very soon you will get a clear picture of the client’s model of the world and their beliefs, from which you can then begin to assume more. A client may have subconsciously resisted not because their previous coach or counsellor was bad, but because they were actually good. Subconsciously we are programmed to gravitate towards and seek familiarity (even in unhealthy places) and sometimes good work can take a client temporarily out of their comfort zone. At this point a client may refuse to commit further. 

Case Two. A client comes to you and tells you what is wrong with them. During the consultation you may suggest alternatives or offer up solutions and you notice a shift in a clients demeanour. Some do genuinely take exception if you haven’t empathised enough or imply that their problem can be resolved with relative ease. They will see it as a form of challenge to them, they may feel undermined. What happens in that session and any subsequent sessions (there may not be!) will then be correlated to how much they will allow themselves to commit. 

Case Three.  A receptive client has a good session and is engaged and committed when they leave you. However outside of the office or therapy room other ‘players’ in their life exert their needs on the client or undermine them to the extent that they either forego the time and commitment they intended to set aside for things such as keeping journals, self hypnosis etc., or they self sabotage and do not follow through.

These are just a few examples of situations a therapist or coach will encounter. They will also encounter multiple variants and deviations of the above where a client potentially will not commit unless handled correctly. 

So what should one do in this case?

There are three steps to follow as the coach or therapist to maximise the chance of getting that much needed commitment (in my courses we break these three down into further subsets). For the coach, counsellor or hypnotherapist at the top of their game experience and reputation alone can sometimes mean achieving these steps and getting that commitment is almost a foregone conclusion. 

These steps are; getting rapport, understanding the clients world and contracting with them.

Getting rapport is a prerequisite to any working relationship. Some people find it easier than others, but the emergence of NLP and the development of social psychology in the last few decades means we understand it’s importance and the ways in which we can achieve it, much more. I teach workshops to individuals and companies on this subject alone, but the cornerstones of rapport for me in this context are empathy and communication.

Rapport is both used as leveraged and naturally increased when we introduce stage two - the broadening of our understanding of the clients world. We need to ask enough questions to have so that we can appreciate (not agree with) the clients belief and values, how they see themselves and the identity they give themselves and others, who those significant others are, how they relate and communicate with them, what their needs are, what they are doing to fulfil those needs, what they are doing to prevent themselves from fulfilling other needs, their representational systems and the limitations to those systems. Taking it further, what they want to achieve, what they have or don’t have to achieve it and what are all of the elements; beliefs, people, situations, circumstances, emotions, ways of thinking that will help or hinder them achieving their goal.

Lastly, with rapport established and a clear map of that persons world now available to us, then we can get the contract of commitment. This contract will take into consideration the obstacles that we have identified, the resources we have identified and the level of rapport that has been established in doing so (how many times will a good operator hear the words to the effect of ‘I can’t believe I just told you that’ etc.). You are then in a position to say to the client - “taking A,B,C and D into consideration and knowing E,F and G, if you commit to X ,Y and Z there is nothing to stop you achieving your goal”. Any hesitation at this stage generally means you have to go back over steps one and two.

As mentioned before you could write a book purely on building rapport, or eliciting information from people and indeed there are a numerous already available on these subjects. I teach both workshops and certification classes on the importance of both. 

The point is if you want to get a commitment and want to maximise your success, thirty minutes of consulting and asking the right questions will make all the difference in securing a positive commitment from your client and more positive testimonials and referrals for your practice.

Lastly, do not be afraid to place the responsibility back on the client if you have done everything to uphold your side of the working relationship but they have failed to commit or still encounter resistance. By all means explore the resistance or objections, but do not waste time pursuing things up a blind alley. 

I am comfortable in either postponing or bringing proceedings to a halt if the client has the wrong attitude or mindset. Success should be just as important to the therapist as it is to the client and the commitment is there that success is likely to follow for both of you.